WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
