Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
