Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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