I am in a vortex of obligation.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
