I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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