hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
