She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
