An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
