woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
