were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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