somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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