He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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