Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
