is your mom at the bar?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
