god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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