I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
