once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
