OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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