So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
