I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
