Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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