i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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