We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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