I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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