12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
