Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
