You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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