I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
