I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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