yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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