I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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