Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
