Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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