Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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