You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
