Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
