I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
