where does the pee come out of this thing
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
