I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
