turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
