I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
