im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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