the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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