i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
