Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
