At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
