I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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