she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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