I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
