Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
