Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
