Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
