Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
