We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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