All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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