Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
